[come_sailaway inbox]

[prince_of_beasts]

A synthesized woman's voice picks up the call.

"Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. Two - Zero - Two - Nine - One - Eight - Two - One - Three - Two -- is not available now. At the tone, please record your message. When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press the # key for more options."

Dimitri hasn't figured out how to customize the thing yet.

Comments

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri launches himself back through the door, slips on the night-wet grass, and tumbles to the ground. White stars flash behind his eyes, and he flops onto his back with a broken wheeze, all else wiped out by every part of his body that suddenly hates him.

Clarity returns, and he wishes it hadn't.

He lies there for. A while. Eventually the cat turns up, green eyes boring through him, and Dimitri spends another while telling it the whole wretched story. It drains something out of him; by the time he's done he's still hollow and miserable, but considerably clearer-headed.

He sniffles and wipes his face on his sleeve, then gives the cat a scratch behind the ears. "Thank you, sir Mouser," he says thickly, hauling himself upright. "I'll be sure to bring you some salmon next time I visit the ship."

Then he limps off to retrieve his phone.

Two weeks of unread messages. Dimitri flips through them with mounting horror. He needs to apologize to Darcy. He needs to apologize to everyone.

What the hell can he say?

Darcy,

I'm sorry.

That's not nearly good enough. Dimitri deliberates for a while, typing and retyping, variations on apologies and self-recrimination that won't help or do any good.

At least he can answer the question Darcy actually asked.

Two of the passengers have access to a ... private realm of sorts. They were kind enough to offer me shelter there while I, another pause to type, and retype, and rephrase, couldn't face anyone.

After what I did, I thought you wouldn't want to see me. I thought it would be best if I stayed out of everyone's way. My phone has been in my cabin, so I didn't see your messages until now.

I should have told you where I'd gone. I'm sorry.

Sent.

Now Dimitri gets his first-ever experience with phone anxiety, curled up in his guest-room bed, staring at the small screen and its blue light and its blinking cursor with nauseous dread.

[saltwaterlungs]

Darcy had... not necessarily forgotten about the messages she'd sent him, but it certainly hasn't been the most pressing thing on her mind. She gets the ping while reading the book Skulduggery gave her and envisions for her own catharsis caterpillars eating Dimitri's face for a moment, before quickly discovering that the image turns her stomach. Darcy can't even bring herself to be that angry in spite of everything.

wow thanks

And then she leaves that message for a good long while before sending a follow-up.

now what?

[prince_of_beasts]

Is this what he's been doing to Darcy all this time? This is hell. He just about jumps out of his skin when the phone buzzes, narrowly saves himself from hurling the thing across the room.

Darcy ... doesn't want to talk about it.

He'd expected more questions. Accusations, which he'd deserve. He's been scripting answers in his mind for the shadow-Darcy who hates him, but they all wither and die with no soil to sprout. He's supposed to have answers, to be responsible for himself, and he's ... he's doing the fucking thing again.

Darcy asked him to trust her. The least he can do is try.

I don't know.

It is impossibly hard to press enter. The next message comes easier.

What do you want?

His will cracks, and he adds, at risk of doing that exact thing,

I don't want to make it worse.

[saltwaterlungs]

i want my fucking friend back

It's bitter and not really what she really means, but it's true in its own way.

i want to know im not going to have my fucking life upended if something like this happens again
and im sorry i didnt know what to say or do or whatever but
i cant do this again
it was worse than if youd died on the excursion and i mean it

God, Darcy feels stupid for this whole thing.

what do /you/ want?

[prince_of_beasts]

Darcy's not the only one feeling stupid. Dimitri had thought he'd ruined their friendship, and in thinking that, he actually has.

Almost. Almost has.

It wasn't your fault. Please. If you believe anything I've said tonight, believe that. I don't know what happened to me but it was not your fault.

He stares at the messages for a long time, that last question a stone wall in his face.

You still want to be my friend?

[saltwaterlungs]

yes?????????????
you think i went looking for you because i didnt want to keep being your friend????
you think ive been losing sleep because i was totally fine with you just disappearing????
god youre fucking dumb sometimes
yes i still want to be your friend
if you dont pull this shit again
like
i know and i get why you were so upset i remember what you told me
but
that doesnt mean you have to go through this shit by yourself
id rather be a monster and your friend than whatever the fuck a 'good person' is and not have you there

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri stares at that string of messages for a long time. The dizziness wells up again, the flailing falling panic, but alone in the dark room it's easier to manage.

I don't understand how you can

why don't you hate me?

the last person who saw that was my best friend at the time and he hates me now

the last person who saw it and lived

If 'I don't know' was pulling teeth, the next message is like tearing his tongue out by the root. Damn him for it, but it's the truth, and Darcy deserves that.

I want to stay your friend.

[saltwaterlungs]

It's not for any well thought out moral or ethical reason, really. There's a complex mix of reasons why she wants to hold onto this friendship like a lifeline- her hunger for real connection, her genuine affection for the best parts of him she's gotten to see, the pillar of her life here that training with him is. What she says, however, is-

fuck that guy
with everything thats happened to you i would be freaked the fuck out if you WERENT fucked up at least a bit
im not going to throw out everything i know about you just because you lost your shit IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE
like
you dont go around kicking puppies every day
youve been nothing but nice since ive met you
everyone has it in them to be a monster dude
its not your fault that guy thinks hes holier than thou
fuck him

A pause for a moment, and then-

whenever youre ready youll need to apologise to rich too
he was worried
but im not going anywhere
and not just because were all stuck here

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri discovers another precious feature of electronic communication. Namely, that it takes him a few shaky minutes to type his next message, but the end result is a neat, calm,

Excuse me. I need a moment.

He hurts too badly to curl up. Instead, he wraps his arms around his ribs and buries his face in the pillow.

He wants to argue. Goddess, he wants to argue. He wants to defend Felix. It's right for Felix to be afraid of him because any person with sense would be. Dimitri is afraid of himself. It's easy for Darcy to say she doesn't care when she hasn't heard people screaming in terror of him. Hasn't heard him laughing. He needs Darcy to understand that he cannot promise to stay because his life is not his own, it has been forfeit since the day he was born, and he is going to die violently and that day will come sooner rather than later.

But she won't listen. He can't make her listen and he is so tired of fighting and he is so tired of being like this.

A blanket like SecUnit's would be really nice right about now.

I'll apologize to Rich. I'm sorry again that I worried you both.

Thank you.

I don't know what else I can say that I haven't already.

[prince_of_beasts]

Several hours later -- he's not sleeping, because of course he's not, the silence is too loud and the dead lurk at the edges of his dreams -- a thought occurs to Dimitri.

Do you know anyone who can pierce ears?

[saltwaterlungs]

Darcy hasn't been able to think of anything to say either. Unfortunately for Dimitri, while he's just discovering the wonders of typing calmly to disguise real-life turmoil, Darcy is an old hand at it. Everything's not fine, but they're stuck in a tug of war where neither is making any progress.

Thankfully Dimitri changes the subject, well and truly startling Darcy out of her brooding.

what?
i mean
i dont but i could probably give it a try if you wanted
ive seen it done
for yourself or?

[prince_of_beasts]

I got another of those packages from Friday. Perhaps a week ago now

Maybe a few days less, maybe more. Dimitri's sense of time has been somewhat fried.

Now that he's less frantic, and the subject less dire, he lets his typing slip, no longer emphatically correcting for the tremor in his hands.

It hd an earrring in it. Dedues He never went without it xcpt when it would have been a lab lbit liabul prblm

I saw him at the diner

worked out how our calendrrs lone up. I gt t on his birhday

I NEVER forget his birthday

it wouud b nice 2 wewr it

2 kep it with me

t keep him with me

maybe thats foolish

[saltwaterlungs]

thats the dude you were telling me about right?

The Dedude, if you will.

i dont think its foolish
of course ill help with it
i actually got some of averys jewellery the other day
i saw him in the zombies too

its important to keep them with us i think

[prince_of_beasts]

yes. it is

you migthave seeen him 2
hes almost a foot talrr than me
hard 2 miss. ha.

Avery was your friend, rigt?
in your crew

[saltwaterlungs]

white hair right?
i remember

Darcy drafts a couple of attempts at a response. She fiddles with the gold chain around her neck, put on as an impulse and then quickly becoming an albatross, another way to drag him forward with her.

he was
it was complicated but
he died before i got here
it was weird seeing him alive again

i dont know what i wouldve done if clarke hadnt shot him

[prince_of_beasts]

Im sorry
That musthave been hard

Another stone into the well of his guilt. Shit.

I'm sorry you lost him
Nd that you had 2 sse him like that
I saw people Ive lost 2 but well
thats normal 4 me

I would have gottn him
Or Phil

I didnt black out or anyhhing
I rmember all of it
And i hatd most the ones that would have hurt you

He's not falling back into the self-loathing, this isn't the time for that, but --

Its late 2 ssk but
Are you okay?

[saltwaterlungs]

There's something that twists like a knife in her gut at that. The phrasing. 'I hated most the ones that would have hurt you'. Not just fighting to protect, but out of a hatred of his enemy. Maybe that's what she hadn't been getting all this time. Darcy's not sure if it makes her feel safer or not.

But he's asked her a question. He deserves the truth, that she's lost the esteem of one of the people who had been her guiding star here, that her girlfriend had gotten beaten up by someone ostensibly meant to be her ward, that she's probably going on a suicide mission to help the Captain of all fucking people.

He doesn't get any of it.

just tired
im fine

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri knows damn fucking well that 'just tired' is miles away from 'fine'. But he hardly has the right to push, does he? He can't tell Darcy he's here for her when he hasn't been. He can't ask Darcy to rely on him when he's just proven that she can't.

Okay
You dont have 2 tel me anhting
I dont have the riggt 2 ask

2moro morning sprts deck?
I ahould fho easy but i should start ttaining again

[saltwaterlungs]

i said what i meant
its not like youve been here to keep watch
so im tired

A low jab, one aimed out of frustration that he wouldn't just let her brush it off.

tomorrow
see you then
well both go easy

[prince_of_beasts]

A low jab that hits Dimitri in the gut. He lets it, flinching physically as his stomach twists. It's only fair. He deserves it.

Goodn ihht
Goodnight

[saltwaterlungs]

night

Darcy sits herself up on the couch, rubbing ineffectually at her eye with the heel of her hand. God, she was getting worse. Time to go pace somewhere until she wore herself out enough to stop feeling like shit and get some sleep.