[come_sailaway inbox]

[prince_of_beasts]

A synthesized woman's voice picks up the call.

"Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. Two - Zero - Two - Nine - One - Eight - Two - One - Three - Two -- is not available now. At the tone, please record your message. When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press the # key for more options."

Dimitri hasn't figured out how to customize the thing yet.

Comments

build fires to keep the beacon flashing [backdated to the first week of September]

[prince_of_beasts]

Rich,

I'm sorry for disappearing. I assumed that I wouldn't be welcome, after the way I was during the fight. Darcy has made it clear that you were worried, so I am messaging to reassure you that I am still present onboard, and alive. And my avoidance was in no way your fault. I will try to be more present around the ship, though if you would still prefer not to see me, I understand completely.

And send.

And ... wait.

Saints Dimitri hates this part. But better to do this via text than risk a repeat of what happened with Darcy.

[firewalled]

...Well, if this isn't a kick in the balls. Rich knows it's no fault of Dimitri's, but the overly formal tone of the message makes him bristle. Even if he had desperately wanted to hear from his friend, he has to forgo replying for a few minutes to compose himself.

are u fuckin serious right now

Okay so... still a little mad.

I was worried sick about you man
i thought I'd chased you off somehow
I literally don't even know what you're talking about not being welcome
you saved my ass back there why would you not be welcome?

just
come on man don't leave me hanging like this
youre my friend. like one of the two friends i have on this fucking ship so why would i kick you out?

[prince_of_beasts]

Having had this conversation once already doesn't make it any easier, it turns out. The formality helps put some distance between himself and the memories.

Screaming bloody threats at the Captain. Laughing as I tore my enemies apart barehanded. Endangering all of us with my recklessness, and lack of concern for my own life.

Deep breath. Dimitri doesn't imagine Rich will take this part any better than Darcy did. He may as well be up front about it this time around ... but that doesn't make it any easier to press 'send' once he's done painstakingly correcting for his clumsy hands.

It has happened twice before. The first I thought was an isolated incident. The second cost me my best friend at the time, and the respect of many others.

Both times, my enemies were living people. And I tore them limb from limb, the same as I did the zombies.

It is frightening to learn that someone you thought you knew is a monster.

I am sorry I assumed what you would want. But I fear I've deceived you as to what I am. What I'm like, and what I am capable of. And I should be honest about that, before anything else.

[firewalled]

For a second, Rich is horrified. He had only caught glimpses of Dimitri during the course of the fight for their lives, so he hadn't noticed anything like that. He must have been desperate... He understands that much, until the mention of his best friend.

Did you kill your friend?
Jesus dude

He does feel a little frightened, sure, but... honestly, more for Dimitri than himself. Especially as he realizes with some guilt that Dimitri is worried about being the liar when Rich has been deceiving him just as long.

I don't think you've deceived me
I think you've got something terrible going on, controlling your body and making you do things you'd never think of doing yourself
And if that's a deception, then I'm twice the liar you are
I know what it's like to be something inhuman.

[prince_of_beasts]

No! No. Felix is alive and well. It's only thanks to him that I survived that battle. But he hates me for what I did, and I can't blame him.

Dimitri is very much in control of himself when he fights. Even when he rages. Of that, he's certain. But he also doesn't want to repeat that argument after how it went with Darcy, so all he sends is,

you do?

[firewalled]

idk maybe I'm weird but I feel like I wouldn't hate you right off the bat
I'd at least accept an explanation.
And whatever it was, i just know it wasn't you

He can't really picture the gently, polite boy he knows becoming that bloodthirsty just because of a tense situation... so he believes there's something fishy going on. Unfortunately, instead of digging into that, it seems Rich has to clarify what he's been hiding for so long.

Dammit.

It's a really long story.
I could tell you more in person? but
short version is that um
you know those arcade games that we played? Imagine one of those shrunk down until it was nearly invisible and then getting installed directly into my brain.
Basically, there's a very small computer in my brain that controlled my body for two years and tried to get me to be patient zero for the robo-zombie apocalypse.

[prince_of_beasts]

Dimitri takes a long time to respond to that one. Long enough that he thinks to type (not correcting, this time),

A moment pleas.e

And he squints very hard at the words until something sort of slots into sense.

It reminds him of what little he knows of SecUnit's governor module. And Tomas the librarian, back home, who served the Church loyally for decades only to suddenly turn traitor, kidnapper, mass murderer.

I dont see how zombies ar einvolved
But if i undrrtsadn undrestand understand
Something controlled you for two years
And it would have used you to hurt others?

I'm so sorry, Rich
That sounds terrifying

Youre free of it now?

cw: forced 'drugging', abuse, graphic discussion of suicide, ptsd flashbacks...

[firewalled]

again it's a really long story
and its already complicated because you dont really get technology
but like
the important thing is i wasn't myself
i was a monster
i hurt a lot of people
anyone that was weaker than me, i'd make their lives hell
i abused them to make sure i had status over them
no one was really my friend, just another way to gain power

i made a lot of people hurt and upset and hopeless
and then the thing using me made me sell them copies of itself to them
so they'd all be controlled too
before i came here it gave up on letting them consent to buying one and just wanted me to force them on people

i got free of it
its why i have the scars now
when i had a moment to actually be myself again, i used it to kill myself and take it down with me
gasoline lit up quick
im pretty sure i saw my skin peeling
i really dont know how i actually survived it

He sends the last few texts in rapid succession, not really seeing what he's saying. The phone in his shaking hands is a lighter, for a brief moment.

sorry idk how much more i can say if we arent face 2 face

Re: cw: forced 'drugging', abuse, graphic discussion of suicide, ptsd flashbacks...

[prince_of_beasts]

Goddess. Seiros. Cichol, Cethleann, Indech and Macuil. Every minor saint Dimitri can think to name.

Dimitri's mind catches fire.

I understand enough
I know another passenger who was in a similar circumstance
I can't say any more that without permission but the idea is not new to me

I am so sorry

I am glad you survived

You dont have to say any more about it if its painful

He wants to comfort his friend. He should comfort his friend. But his heart is a furnace; his spine is an anvil; his eyes are in danger of melting from his skull and he cannot repeat what happened with Darcy.

I dont think i can have this conversation in person right now
Its not your fault
Im not good at conrtlo conttrolo controoo fuck it, managing my emotions
But know that you are still my friend
No matter what you were forced to do
It was not your choice
And it has not changed my opinion of you

[firewalled]

I'm sorry that someone else out there knows what this is like
wish i could talk to them but i get it, its hard to talk about
don't apologize though
I should apologize for not telling you sooner

He feels his heart sink just a little bit, his shoulders slump. He curls his body around his phone, as if grabbing onto this last lifeline with all he has.

but then you know what happened with you didn't change my opinion either!
come on dimitri
i really hate to be like this but i just really missed you and i want to see you again

[prince_of_beasts]

Fuck.

Id like tonsee you too
But i cant right now
Im sorry
But when i talked to darcy it went very badly
And i don't want to do that tonyou too
I need to calm down first
Im sorry.
Soon?

[firewalled]

...well, if that's how he wants to play it, then Rich can do the same damn thing.

fine
if i happen to be around
not making any promises though
i mean whats the point of trying anymore huh

[prince_of_beasts]

Back in the careful, measured typing. Trying and retrying for every letter and punctuation mark and muttering curses at his trembling fingers. He wants to do this well. He wants to do it right.

Okay.
You don't have to try, but I will.
I promised Darcy, and I will promise you too.
I will be a better friend to you, Rich.

[firewalled]

Rich doesn't answer, but he reads the message. He reads it a few times actually, typing half the response and then deleting it over and over.

In the end, he doesn't end up sending anything back, not trusting his words to carry enough weight for the situation. But hopefully, Dimitri knows the message was appreciated.